More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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