Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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