I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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