I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
