every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize