he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
