I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
