There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
