i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
