Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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