I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
