She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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