I cannot find my penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
