Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
