I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
