GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
