His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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