"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
