Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
