i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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