i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
