We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
