Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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