i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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