I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
