i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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