Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
