The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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