New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
