dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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