Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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