Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just had sex on a roof
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
