Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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