I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
