If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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