I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize