My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just cropdusted the office
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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