I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
