i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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