i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
