My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
