He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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