Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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