They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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