I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize