is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
