Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
