If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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