I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
