Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
