is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
