I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
