Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
