I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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