shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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