dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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