Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
sex in a hospital.. check
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
