So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
