if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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