If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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