DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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