Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Watching her eat just hurts me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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